Chapter 38: The Depravity of Li Yuan

It must be said that Li Chengqian’s habit of being a beat slow sometimes is truly “green tea”—and perfectly so.

Empress Zhangsun, her rage already spent, looked at her obedient eldest son and no longer had any inclination to remain angry.

“Chengqian, get up.” Empress Zhangsun rubbed her aching wrist; this little brat was quite heavy!

Heaven help us, if Li Kuan could hear his mother’s inner thoughts at this moment, he would likely shed a few more bitter tears. If you were the one pulling my ear until I was standing on tiptoe, why are you blaming me now?

“Mother, I implore you, please do not punish my younger brother anymore.” Li Chengqian, thinking of his brother’s raw, red ear, felt a pang of regret for having stood by earlier. He had intended to use this opportunity to teach Li Kuan a lesson; after all, given his second brother’s reckless nature, if he only caused minor trouble it would be one thing, but he feared a repeat of yesterday, where his attempts to court death ended up hurting not others, but himself. Still, as an elder brother, having a younger brother who cared for him so deeply, Li Chengqian naturally felt inclined to protect him.

“Alright, alright,” Li Kuan said, seeing the Empress’s expression soften. He grumbled loudly, “Mother, Big Brother, can you two get your facts straight? I’m the one who got beaten! Even if you want to stage a scene of ‘maternal kindness and filial piety,’ shouldn’t I be the protagonist? And ‘Green’… Big Brother, the ground is cold, get up quickly; let’s go have breakfast.”

It has to be said that with an oddity like Li Kuan in the palace, everyone’s lives were quite lively.

After finishing breakfast in the Ganlu Palace with the Empress, his elder brother, and his younger siblings, Li Kuan set off for the Hongyi Palace to visit his grandfather, Li Yuan. Just outside the Ganlu Palace, he ran into Li Ke, who looked frantic.

“Second Brother! You… you’re awake?” Li Ke had run all the way there. Upon receiving the message sent by Li Tai, he had dropped his chopsticks mid-meal and bolted.

“I’m fine. The imperial physician said a few doses of medicine will fix me right up.” Li Kuan looked at his younger brother, who was panting and leaning on his knees. It felt surreal; only months ago, he had used a stick to scare the boy, yet after spending time together, the bond between the brothers had grown increasingly deep.

“Second Brother, where are you going?” After catching his breath, Li Ke asked curiously, seeing Li Kuan dressed to go out.

“To see our Imperial Grandfather.” Li Kuan scratched his head. Though he usually visited the Hongyi Palace whenever he was free, this time he had two goals: first, to show his grandfather he was unharmed so he wouldn't worry; second, to offer an apology.

In Li Kuan’s eyes, the old ministers left behind by his grandfather were now nothing more than people holding positions without doing any work—occupying the latrine without relieving themselves—and ruining the atmosphere of the imperial court; they deserved to be purged. But from Li Yuan’s perspective, these men were resisting Li Er only for his sake—though, of course, a few were genuinely slacking off, and others were truly incompetent, using this climate to secure their own positions. (Before Li Yuan abdicated, he had arranged for a group of undeserving old ministers to hold high positions specifically to annoy Li Er.)

But logic is one thing, and sentiment is another. As a grandson, Li Kuan didn’t need to lecture his grandfather on the virtues of Yao, Shun, Yu, or Tang. Besides, if he actually tried that, the first person to slap the moralizing text out of his hand would be Li Er. You ask why? The Tiance General, who had defied the heavens at the Xuanwu Gate, merely wiped his blood-stained sword and said nothing. Everything was implied.

“Big Brother, shall I accompany you?” Li Ke’s voice interrupted Li Kuan’s wandering thoughts. Li Kuan glanced at his third brother, laughed, and draped an arm over his shoulder. “Fine by me.”

The two brothers walked arm-in-arm, humming and hawing all the way to the Hongyi Palace. Upon reaching the entrance, Li Kuan was about to step inside when a palace attendant blocked his path.

“Your Highness, Prince of Chu, you cannot… the Grand Emperor is still resting…”

Li Kuan ignored him entirely. Damn it, where was this? The Hongyi Palace! His number one sanctuary in the imperial palace! Was he not the master of his own territory?!

“Get out of the way!” The Prince of Chu, whose constitution far exceeded that of ordinary men, showed his terrifying strength for the first time. With a single kick, he sent the attendant flying through the air, landing two or three rods away.

Then, to the shock of his younger brother and everyone in the courtyard, the Prince of Chu, acting as if he had merely stretched his limbs, strode through the gates and bellowed at the top of his lungs: “Imperial Grandfather! Your favorite grandson has come to see you!”

*Crash!* No sooner had Li Kuan finished speaking than a loud thud echoed from Li Yuan’s bedchamber, sounding suspiciously like a bed collapsing. Immediately after, the brothers heard a chorus of “ying-ying-ying” sounds. How to put it? Other than those sounds, truly nothing else could be heard.

As the brothers stood in the middle of the courtyard, staring slack-jawed at the concubines emerging from Li Yuan’s hall, they gained a concrete and objective understanding of the phrase “drunken life, dream-like death.” Perhaps even their tutor, Master Huang, had not expected his lesson on that idiom to complete its cycle so quickly.

“You little brat! So you’ve recovered? But you little rascal, why must you disturb my peaceful slumber?!” When Li Kuan saw his grandfather, Li Yuan, stumbling out of the hall while leaning against the wall with a dark expression, a certain emotion within him reached its peak.

Was this his grandfather? No, this was a human beast. The last emperor in the history books to behave like this—well, one didn’t have to look far; the Northern and Southern Dynasties were full of them. But what kind of trash were they? His own grandfather was the founding emperor of the Tang Dynasty—how could he degenerate to this point?! Furthermore, if his late grandmother knew of this in the afterlife, what would she think?!

Li Kuan decided it was time to strike.

“Imperial Grandfather! My dear Imperial Grandfather!” Li Kuan wailed at the top of his lungs in the courtyard. “These damned vixen-like harlots! How dare they use wine and lust to harm my heroic, peerless grandfather? Damn them! Damn them! Ke! Go, fetch my sword! We brothers shall go and settle this with those vixens! Look, just look!” Li Kuan pointed at Li Yuan, his face full of righteous indignation as he addressed the stunned Li Ke. “What has our grandfather become? He just had to lean against the wall to get out! Leaning against the wall! Even in the history books, there are few such昏君 (dethroned, debauched monarchs)! Who is this? Who dares harm my grandfather? Where is the court historian? Where is he?!”

“You little brat!” Li Yuan, already dizzy with rage, knew disaster was imminent the moment Li Kuan called for the court historian.

Sure enough, no sooner had the words left Li Kuan’s mouth than a middle-aged scholar with a wronged expression rushed down the steps from behind the corridor and stood before Li Kuan. “Your Highness!”

“You son of a…” Li Kuan raised his foot to kick the fool, but remembering that being a court historian was a family profession, and considering the historical allusion he was about to make… after a moment’s thought, he lowered his foot and said indignantly, “Are you afraid of death?! During the Spring and Autumn period, three historians of the state of Qi recorded the regicide by Cui Zhu, refusing to change the words ‘the ruler was murdered’! Do you truly intend to let the Grand Emperor sink into debauchery day after day just for your own temporary comfort? You have a lot of nerve!”